A Blonde Is Swimming In A River
A woman washed clothes in a river. A passerby asked why she did not use a washing machine.
“This machine has free water, fresh air, and no instruction manual,” she replied.
At that moment the current carried one sock away.
The passerby pointed downstream.
“The spin cycle is too strong,” she admitted.
She retrieved the sock with a net and decided that modern appliances had one important advantage: they usually returned both socks to the same room.
A nun in the convent walked
A nun was told that a blind man had arrived. She allowed him into the room while she finished hanging curtains.
The visitor entered carrying tools and immediately admired the windows.
“I thought you were blind,” she said.
“I install blinds,” he replied. “The message lost one letter.”
She handed him the measurements and asked the receptionist to use complete job titles in future.
The new blinds worked perfectly, which was more than could be said for the convent’s telephone messages.
The incident became known as “The Blind Visitor Came To Repair The Window Blinds.” Clearer instructions might have prevented it, although everyone agreed that clear instructions would also have removed the best joke.
A girlfriend and boyfriend
A teenager told her mother that she and her boyfriend were going upstairs. Her mother reminded them to keep the door open.
Minutes later, the mother heard repeated banging and rushed up.
The couple were assembling a flat-pack desk, and the instructions had omitted three screws.
“What did you think we were doing?” the daughter asked.
“Something requiring less noise and fewer tools,” her mother replied.
She helped finish the desk and insisted that future bedroom projects begin with an inventory.
A Nun And A Priest Crossing Sahara Desert On Camel
A nun and a priest crossing the desert lost their camel and shared the remaining water, shade cloth, and emergency blanket.
The priest suggested removing heavy outer robes to stay cool. The nun agreed but insisted they fold everything carefully so sand would not enter.
A rescue vehicle soon appeared.
The driver found them sitting beneath the blanket beside perfectly folded clothing.
“How did you stay so organized?”
“We expected rescue,” said the nun. “And sand in clean laundry is a greater trial than heat.”
The next retelling of “The Desert Travelers Shared One Emergency Blanket” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Desert Travelers Shared One Emergency Blanket.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The witnesses later reconstructed “The Desert Travelers Shared One Emergency Blanket” from the beginning. Every fact survived, but the explanation became less believable each time it was repeated.
The incident became known as “The Desert Travelers Shared One Emergency Blanket.” Clearer instructions might have prevented it, although everyone agreed that clear instructions would also have removed the best joke.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Desert Travelers Shared One Emergency Blanket” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
A Soldier Approached A Nun
A reluctant actor hurried into a costume shop and asked to hide behind a rolling rack. Two stage managers arrived moments later and asked whether the owner had seen him.
She pointed toward the back exit. After they left, the actor emerged and explained that he did not want to perform in the evening’s outdoor show.
The owner understood completely.
Then a second figure stepped out from behind another rack wearing the same costume.
“That is my assistant,” she said. “He does not want to perform either.”
The actor returned to rehearsal, deciding that one missing performer was enough confusion for the stage manager.
The incident soon became known as “The Reluctant Performer Hid Behind The Costume Rack.” Clearer instructions could have prevented it, but they would also have removed the best part of the story.
A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman’s Chest
A man turned suddenly in a hotel lobby and accidentally bumped a woman standing behind him. He apologized immediately and stepped back to give her space.
“I should have checked before moving,” he said. “Are you all right?”
She assured him that she was fine.
Trying to be charming, he added a complicated compliment about her generous heart.
The woman raised an eyebrow. “Your apology was excellent. The extra sentence is attempting to ruin it.”
He nodded. “Then I withdraw the sentence and keep the apology.”
“Accepted,” she replied. “That is the first sensible decision either of us has made in this crowded lobby.”
A Man Walks In His Room After Work
A husband returned home and found his wife resting while a pair of feet protruded from beneath the bed. He became suspicious and pulled the person out.
It was a furniture installer connecting the new bed frame.
“Why did you not announce yourself?”
The installer pointed to the power tool, ear protection, and the work order signed by the husband that morning.
His wife opened one eye. “The surprise bedroom makeover is now mostly a surprise to you.”
The husband apologized and helped locate the missing screws.
A Mother Had Three Virgin Daughters
A mother asked her three daughters to send one short postcard from their honeymoons so she would know the trips were going well.
The first card said, “Coffee advertisement.” The mother remembered a slogan promising satisfaction to the last drop and smiled.
The second card read, “Chocolate advertisement.” She recalled a commercial saying it melted in your mouth and nodded approvingly.
The third card contained only, “Airline advertisement.” The mother searched newspapers for days before finding the slogan: “Twice a day, seven days a week, both ways.”
She dropped the paper, then noticed the smaller print: “Flights subject to weather, delays, and available seats.”
Relieved, she decided her daughter was simply complaining about a very busy travel schedule.
Later, the story was retold with several dramatic details, but every witness agreed that the final remark was accurate and impossible to improve.
A second question produced no better explanation. By then, everyone involved had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer controlling the situation.
The incident became a favorite local story. Each retelling grew slightly longer, although the same unexpected final line continued to receive the biggest laugh.
Before leaving, everyone checked the facts once more. The facts were correct; it was the interpretation that had taken a spectacularly unnecessary journey.
Girl Had Grown Hair Between Her Legs
A girl noticed that a plant in her room had developed long fuzzy stems. Her mother explained that it was a monkey-tail fern and that she should be proud of how well it was growing.
At dinner, the girl told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister pointed to a banana peel beside her own larger plant.
“That is nothing,” she said. “Mine is already eating bananas.”
Their mother moved the fruit bowl away from both ferns before the story became even less botanical.
He Told The Jeweller He Wanted Ring
An older man entered a jewelry store with a younger companion and requested an expensive ring. The jeweler quietly asked how payment would be guaranteed.
The man wrote a check and suggested holding the ring until the bank opened Monday.
On Monday the jeweler called to say the check was invalid.
The man laughed. “I know. But we enjoyed a wonderful weekend imagining we could afford it.”
The jeweler did not laugh and introduced a new policy requiring verified payment before romantic imagination left the store.
The witnesses later reconstructed “The Jewelry Customer’s Ring Came With A Clever Guarantee” from the beginning. Every fact survived, but the explanation became less believable each time it was repeated.
The incident became known as “The Jewelry Customer’s Ring Came With A Clever Guarantee.” Clearer instructions might have prevented it, although everyone agreed that clear instructions would also have removed the best joke.
The Firefighter’s Bell System Failed At The Most Important Moment
A firefighter explained the station’s efficient bell system to his wife. One bell meant jackets, two meant the pole, and three meant everyone was ready to leave.
He suggested using the same system for household chores. One bell would mean clear the table, two would mean load the dishwasher, and three would mean sit down for dessert.
That evening he rang once. Nobody moved. He rang twice. The dog barked. He rang three times and waited proudly for dessert.
His wife entered carrying a toolbox.
“What happened to the system?” he asked.
She removed the bell from the wall. “At the fire station, everyone is paid to respond. At home, the person ringing the bell can wash the dishes.”
A second question produced no better explanation. By then, everyone involved had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer controlling the situation.
The First-Grader Used A Very Large Word For His Breakfast
A first-grade teacher insisted that students replace baby talk with precise words. When Chris said he had visited Nana, she asked him to say grandmother. When Mitchell mentioned a choo-choo, she corrected it to train.
Then Bobby announced that he had read a book.
“Wonderful,” said the teacher. “Which book?”
Bobby remembered the rule about grown-up vocabulary and proudly answered, “Winnie the Extremely Unfortunate Bear.”
The teacher frowned. “Was that really the title?”
“No,” Bobby admitted. “But ‘Pooh’ did not sound like a big-person word.”
The teacher decided that proper vocabulary sometimes required leaving perfectly good names alone.
There was a short silence after the punchline. Then the quietest person in the room summarized “The First-Grader Used A Very Large Word For His Breakfast” in one sentence, and the laughter began all over again.
The Mother Explained Babies With A Garden Metaphor
A child asked her mother where babies came from. Her mother chose a garden explanation: families planted love like a seed, cared for it patiently, and eventually welcomed a new little person.
The child listened carefully and ran outside.
An hour later, her mother found her burying a doll beneath the tomato plants and watering the soil.
“What are you doing?”
“Growing a baby sister,” the child replied. “You said it needs love, patience, and water.”
Her mother retrieved the doll and explained that metaphors were not gardening instructions.
The child sighed. “Then next time, please use directions with fewer vegetables.”
The Expectant Mother Requested A Calm Role Model
An expectant mother worried that her husband’s temper would influence their child, so she asked the doctor for advice.
The doctor recommended calm routines, patient conversation, and positive examples. The husband agreed to practice.
For one week he whispered during disagreements, counted to ten, and repaired things instead of slamming doors.
At the next appointment, the mother reported a new problem.
“He is so calm that the neighbors think he is planning something.”
The doctor smiled. “Good habits often look suspicious when they first arrive.”
The husband counted to ten before agreeing.
A final question led to another detailed explanation. By then, everyone connected with “The Expectant Mother Requested A Calm Role Model” agreed that clearer instructions would have prevented the problem and spoiled the story.
The next retelling of “The Expectant Mother Requested A Calm Role Model” included witnesses, receipts, and an unnecessary diagram. None of them improved the logic, although the diagram received its own round of laughter.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Expectant Mother Requested A Calm Role Model.” Hearing it twice did not make it more sensible, but it helped everyone appreciate how confidently it had been delivered.
Leroy’s Letter To God Received A Ten-Dollar Reply
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy’s mother inquired him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy’s mother, being a religious lady, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. “Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.” Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. Letter #1: “Dear God, I have been a extremely good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy” Leroy knew that wasn’t true. He had not been a extremely good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over. Letter #2: “Dear God, I have been an “OK” boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Leroy” Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.
Letter #3: God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am extremely sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy” Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Leroy was extremely upset. He headed downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to
church. Leroy’s mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy glanced extremely sad. “Just be home in time for dinner”, Leroy’s mother told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy headed into the church and up to the altar. He glanced around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of
the Virn Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write yet another letter to God. Letter #4: “God, I’ve received your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike! Signed, YOU KNOW WHO”
The Train Passenger’s Performance Earned Three Dollars
Three men shared a train compartment with a street performer. She offered to demonstrate increasingly impressive balancing tricks for one dollar from each passenger.
First she balanced a coin on her knee, then a book on her head, and finally three cups while the train turned.
The men applauded and paid for every round.
At the next station she packed her props and left.
One passenger counted his money. “We paid nine dollars to watch her carry her own luggage.”
The performer waved through the window while balancing all three cups on the suitcase.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Train Passenger’s Performance Earned Three Dollars” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The next retelling of “The Train Passenger’s Performance Earned Three Dollars” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the original ending.
The Wildlife Photographer Negotiated With A Very Angry Bear
A wildlife photographer spotted a grizzly bear and attempted a distant photograph. The camera flash startled the animal, which charged through the bushes.
The photographer dropped the camera and climbed a tree. The bear stopped below and stared at him.
“Can we discuss this?” the photographer called.
The bear knocked the camera with one paw and accidentally took several photographs of the tree.
When the bear left, the photographer climbed down and examined the images. They were better composed than his own.
He submitted one to a magazine under the credit “Anonymous Forest Assistant” and never used a flash near wildlife again.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Wildlife Photographer Negotiated With A Very Angry Bear” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The next retelling of “The Wildlife Photographer Negotiated With A Very Angry Bear” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Wildlife Photographer Negotiated With A Very Angry Bear.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The witnesses later reconstructed “The Wildlife Photographer Negotiated With A Very Angry Bear” from the beginning. Every fact survived, but the explanation became less believable each time it was repeated.
The incident became known as “The Wildlife Photographer Negotiated With A Very Angry Bear.” Clearer instructions might have prevented it, although everyone agreed that clear instructions would also have removed the best joke.
The Patient’s Pain Came From A Broken Finger
A patient told the doctor that touching his arm hurt, touching his leg hurt, and touching his head hurt.
The doctor examined every place and found nothing wrong.
“Your finger is broken,” she explained.
The patient looked surprised. “So the rest of me is healthy?”
“Perfectly. But until the finger heals, stop using it as a diagnostic instrument.”
The patient left pointing with his other hand and immediately discovered that doors were safer to open with the handle.
Johnny Learned The Wrong Lesson From Four Science Jars
A science teacher placed worms in separate jars containing alcohol fumes, cigarette smoke, sugar water, and clean soil. Only the worm in clean soil remained active.
The teacher asked what lesson the class had learned.
Johnny raised his hand. “If worms avoid unhealthy substances, they will spend more time gardening.”
The teacher tried again, explaining that the experiment concerned harmful environments.
Johnny nodded. “Exactly. The garden jar had the best property value.”
The next experiment used plants, labels, and no substances that could inspire real-estate advice.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “Johnny Learned The Wrong Lesson From Four Science Jars” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The Health Expert Recommended Saying No To Cake
A woman asked a health coach for advice about reducing weight. The coach recommended moving her head left and right at a particular time.
“When?” she asked.
“Whenever someone offers a second slice of cake.”
She practiced the movement but discovered a problem: she nodded up and down whenever the cake looked particularly good.
The coach replaced the exercise with a smaller plate, regular walks, and advice that did not depend entirely on neck control.
Two Builders Guessed The Stranger’s Profession
Two elderly builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a extremely smartly dressed fellow walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the fellow did for a living. “I’ll bet he’s an accountant.” remarked the first builder. “Looks more like a stockbroker to me.” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually, the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed fellow standing at a washroom.
“Excuse me mate, but I and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?” the builder remarked to the fellow. Smiling the fellow answered, “I’m a logical scientist.” “A what?” inquired the builder. “Let me explain” the fellow continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?” A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, “Yes, I do as it happens.”
“Well, then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?” “A pond” the builder answered. “Well, then it’s logical to assume that you have a large garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. So the fellow continued, “which means it’s logical to assume you have a large house.” “I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself.” the builder remarked proudly.
“Given that you have such a large house, it’s logical to assume that you are married…” The builder nodded again, “Yes, I’m married and we have three children.” “Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy relations life.” “Five nights a week!” the builder boasted. The fellow smiled a little, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t use hands often.” “Never!” the builder exclaimed. “Well, there you have it” the fellow explained,
“That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your relation life!” The builder left, extremely impressed by the fellow’s talents. On returning to the bar the other builder inquired, “I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?” “Yeah,” answered the first, “He’s a logical scientist.” “A what?” the puzzled second builder inquired.
“Let me explain” the first builder continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?” “No” answered his mate. “Well, you’re a stupid then!”
The Farmer at the Bar Had an Impossible Explanation
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A fellow comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?” Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. fellow: So what happened that is so horrible? Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over. fellow: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal? Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. fellow: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I received the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. fellow: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain. fellow: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. fellow: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I received the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail. fellow: Wow you must have been pretty upset! Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. fellow: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
The Teacher Asked For A Truly Absolute Statement
A teacher asked students to use “absolutely” in a sentence. Several offered statements about the sky and grass, but the teacher explained that colors could vary.
Johnny asked whether a sound could have a color.
“No,” she said.
“Then when my father heard a noise at dinner and asked who made it, my brother was absolutely responsible.”
The teacher accepted the grammar but declined to investigate the household evidence.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Teacher Asked For A Truly Absolute Statement” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The Ninety-Two-Year-Old Thanked Every Body Part
A man celebrating his ninety-second birthday thanked his toes for carrying him, his knees for bending, his hands for working, and his eyes for showing him the world.
He paused at his ears.
“You have not always heard what people said, but you have protected me from many boring conversations.”
His family laughed.
He finished by thanking his memory for keeping the best moments and politely misplacing the rest.
Then he asked who had eaten his birthday cake while he was speaking.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Ninety-Two-Year-Old Thanked Every Body Part” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The Couple Used Lunch And Dinner As Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a
great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a
communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act as if I’m listening.”
The Elderly Couple Returned For A Forgotten Pair Of Glasses
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When
leaving, the elderly lady unknowingly lt hr glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old fellow. He
fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a
single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the lady received out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to
her, While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.
A Long Tribute To Women Ended With Two Lines About Men
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the
best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A lady can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a lady is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They
bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to
people you come in contact with. MEN Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
The Stranded Couple Trusted Their Debt Collectors
Suddenly, the captain announces over the public address system, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to say that I have some bad news. Our engines are malfunctioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of
our lives.” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?” “No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?” “Oh no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing,
did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife “I didn’t send that one, either.” The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest
hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?” The husband answers, “Don’t you see? The debt collectors will find us!”
The Packed Suitcase Produced An Unexpected Invitation
A wife became so annoyed with her husband that she packed his travel bag and told him to take a very long trip. As he reached the door, she called after him, “I hope the journey is slow, uncomfortable, and seems to last forever.”
He turned around and studied her expression.
“So,” he said, “you want me to stay home?”
She tried not to laugh, failed, and unpacked the bag.
The argument was postponed until both of them could remember what had started it.
The Polluter Received A Vocabulary Lesson About Water
A fellow was dumping toxic waste into a river.
Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed,
and a glowing lady appeared, hovering above the river.
“For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!”,
she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.
The fellow stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, “Well dam”.
