A Man Is Getting Into The Shower
A husband stepped into the shower just as his wife finished. The doorbell rang, so she wrapped herself in a towel and answered it.
Their neighbor Bob stood outside holding a hundred-dollar bill. “I will give you this if you let me photograph the new towel design for my shop,” he said.
She agreed, posed beside the door, took the money, and returned upstairs.
“Who was it?” her husband asked.
“Bob.”
“Excellent. Did he finally pay the hundred dollars he owes me for designing his advertisement?”
She looked at the towel and realized she had just completed the advertisement too.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Doorbell Visitor Offered A Hundred Dollars For A Photograph.” Hearing it twice did not make it more sensible, but it helped everyone appreciate how confidently it had been delivered.
An Old Cowboy Walks Into A Saloon
An old cowboy entered a café wearing his boots, hat, and a ridiculous hay-covered costume over his clothes.
His friends asked what had happened. He explained that a charming visitor had invited him into the barn to see something special. Inside, she pointed to a tractor, removed its dusty cover, and said, “Take anything here that interests you.”
The cowboy chose the tractor. Unfortunately, the cover fell over him when he drove through the barn door, and he had been wearing it ever since.
“Why not take it off?” someone asked.
“Because the tractor has no seat cushion,” he answered, “and this is the most comfortable part of the deal.”
DNA Test Results
After three years, a mother became convinced that their child resembled neither parent and ordered a DNA test.
The results showed that the child came from an entirely different family.
“I have something serious to tell you,” she said to her husband.
“What happened?”
“According to this test, this is not our child.”
Her husband looked surprised. “Do you not remember leaving the hospital? The baby needed changing, and you said, ‘Eddie, go change the baby while I wait here.’”
He shrugged. “The nursery had several. You should have been more specific.”
Whose Panties Are These?
A wife returned from a work retreat and began sorting the laundry.
On the floor, she found an earring that did not belong to her.
Furious, she confronted her husband.
“I have no idea where it came from,” he said. “I never do the laundry. The housekeeper handles it.”
His wife calmed slightly. “Perhaps it belongs to the housekeeper.”
Her husband shook his head without thinking.
“That cannot be right. Her ears are not pierced.”
The exchange had already gone farther than anyone expected. Even so, the speaker kept a perfectly straight face and carried on as if the whole situation were completely ordinary.
The room became silent as he realized that answer required another explanation.
A Great Opportunity
A priest offered a nun a ride to the convent. She entered carrying a tall picnic basket with several compartments. The smell of warm pastries filled the car.
The priest reached toward the lower compartment.
‘Father, remember Psalm 129,’ the nun said.
He withdrew his hand. A few miles later, while changing gears, he noticed the basket again and reached toward the same section.
‘Father, remember Psalm 129,’ she repeated.
He apologized. ‘I am sorry, Sister. Hunger has weakened my judgment.’
After leaving her at the convent, he hurried to the church library and looked up the reference. A note beside the verse read, ‘Go forth and seek; farther up, you will find glory.’
He realized the pastries had been stored in the upper compartment.
The moral was simple: if you ignore documentation, you may miss both a great opportunity and fresh cinnamon rolls.
A Very Old Lady Entered A Crowded Bus
I was on a extremely crowded bus and an old lady with a walker gets on. All the other passengers proceed to file on and
take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, staring me in the eyes. After 5 minutes of this, I
kindly ask, ‘may I help you?’ She replies, “yes, I have been waiting here for 5 minutes now and you have not offered to give me your seat ” Can you give me a good
reason why I should?” I can give you 5. I am an old lady of 86, I have near paralysis in my left leg, a hip that has
been replaced twice, my husband died 3 days ago and every second I stand up is pure agony. Can you give me as
many reasons why you deserve the seat more?” Sadly, only one. I’m the freakin’ driver.”
Two Boys Go Into A Forest
Two boys were walking through a forest when they reached a clearing and saw a woman painted entirely silver, standing perfectly still on a platform.
One boy immediately turned and ran. His friend chased him down the path.
‘Why are you running?’ he asked. ‘She is only a performer pretending to be a statue.’
The frightened boy did not slow down. ‘My mother warned me that if I stared at a living statue for too long, I would turn to stone.’
‘You do not actually believe that, do you?’
‘I already felt my legs becoming stiff when she moved!’
A Little Boy Wanted A Bicycle For Christmas
A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas. His mother remarked she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if he wrote to Jesus promising to be a good
boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one. So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year…’ He then
crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one month.’ Still he wasn’t happy, so he crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one week.’ His head in a spin, he tore up the
paper and headed for a walk. As he passed the local church, he noticed a nativity scene. When nobody was looking, he
grabbed the figure of Mary, hid it under his coat and ran home. There he composed a new letter. ‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…’
I Don’t Know What To Get My Wife For Her Birthday
Adam told a friend that he had no idea what to buy his wife for her birthday.
“She already owns everything she wants, and she can buy anything else herself,” he complained.
His friend suggested a homemade certificate granting her sixty minutes to do absolutely anything she chose while Adam handled every responsibility.
Adam followed the advice.
The next day, his friend asked whether the gift was successful.
“She loved it,” Adam said. “She thanked me, kissed my forehead, handed me the laundry basket, and ran toward the door.”
“Where was she going?”
Adam quoted her final words:
“I will be back from the spa in an hour. Do not forget the dishes!”
A Jealous Husband
A jealous husband hired a detective to record his wife’s movements. The video showed her entering a hotel, meeting a man, and leaving with a large envelope.
The husband assumed the worst.
The detective opened the envelope. It contained travel tickets and a surprise anniversary reservation purchased with the wife’s brother.
“Should I continue the investigation?”
The husband shook his head. “No. Delete the video and teach me how to apologize before the anniversary.”
The next retelling of “The Detective’s Video Proved The Wrong Suspicion” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Detective’s Video Proved The Wrong Suspicion.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The Last Three People On Earth Made Very Impractical Wishes
The last three people on Earth were offered one wish each for rebuilding civilization.
The first wished for every library to be restored. Instantly, millions of books appeared, but there was nobody left to organize them.
The second wished for every farm to produce food again. Fields filled with crops, although none of the surviving three knew how to operate the machinery.
The third thought carefully and wished that all the missing people would return.
The world instantly became crowded. Everyone demanded to know why the libraries were locked and why the tractors were parked in the fields.
The three survivors were appointed to committees explaining what had happened. Within a week, the third person wished he had requested an instruction manual first.
The people nearby needed a moment to understand the answer. When the meaning finally became clear, the quietest person laughed first and everyone else followed.
Nobody had expected the conversation to end that way. The main character calmly repeated the explanation, which only made the conclusion sound more ridiculous.
Later, the story was retold with several dramatic details, but every witness agreed that the final remark was accurate and impossible to improve.
A second question produced no better explanation. By then, everyone involved had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer controlling the situation.
The incident became a favorite local story. Each retelling grew slightly longer, although the same unexpected final line continued to receive the biggest laugh.
Before leaving, everyone checked the facts once more. The facts were correct; it was the interpretation that had taken a spectacularly unnecessary journey.
The people nearby needed a moment to understand the answer. When the meaning finally became clear, the quietest person laughed first and everyone else followed.
The Couple’s Medical Vocabulary Created A Foot-And-Mouth Mix-Up
A couple compared childhood medical stories while getting ready for a swimming lesson. The man removed his shoes and revealed several crooked toes.
“What happened?” his girlfriend asked.
“I had a severe case of toe-matosis,” he said, inventing a medical-sounding word.
Later he complained about a sore knee and called it knee-monia. His girlfriend listened patiently.
When he finally asked why she was laughing, she explained that his imaginary diagnoses sounded like a badly organized dictionary.
“Is there a cure?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. “Stop naming body parts and let a real doctor handle the vocabulary.”
Someone suggested starting again from the beginning. The group reconstructed every step of “The Couple’s Medical Vocabulary Created A Foot-And-Mouth Mix-Up” and reached exactly the same ridiculous conclusion, this time with greater confidence.
The Airplane Restroom Had One Very Important Warning
A passenger on a flight urgently needed a restroom. The main one was occupied, so an attendant allowed him to use the crew facility and warned him not to touch the unfamiliar buttons.
He found buttons marked Warm Water, Warm Air, Paper Powder, and ATR. The first three seemed surprisingly convenient.
Curiosity defeated the warning, and he pressed ATR.
Lights flashed, an alarm sounded, and two attendants opened the door.
“What does ATR mean?” he asked.
“Alert The Rest of the crew,” one replied.
He returned to his seat and promised to treat unexplained initials as complete sentences.
A final question led to another detailed explanation. By then, everyone connected with “The Airplane Restroom Had One Very Important Warning” agreed that clearer instructions would have prevented the problem and spoiled the story.
The next retelling of “The Airplane Restroom Had One Very Important Warning” included witnesses, receipts, and an unnecessary diagram. None of them improved the logic, although the diagram received its own round of laughter.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Airplane Restroom Had One Very Important Warning.” Hearing it twice did not make it more sensible, but it helped everyone appreciate how confidently it had been delivered.
The people involved reviewed every step of “The Airplane Restroom Had One Very Important Warning” afterward. The facts remained the same, but the explanation became funnier each time somebody tried to make it sound reasonable.
The incident soon became known as “The Airplane Restroom Had One Very Important Warning.” Nobody changed the ending, because the original misunderstanding had already produced a better punchline than any planned joke.
The Tree Climber Asked The Park Ranger To Look Away
An older woman climbed a tall tree on her new timber property to admire the view. A park ranger passing below noticed her clothing caught on a branch and politely looked away while asking whether she needed help.
“Not unless you can lower the entire tree,” she called.
The ranger brought a ladder and guided her down safely.
At the bottom, she thanked him for his discretion.
He pointed to the sign beside the path: “Observation platform, fifty metres.”
She had climbed the only tree specifically marked “Do Not Climb.”
A final question led to another detailed explanation. By then, everyone connected with “The Tree Climber Asked The Park Ranger To Look Away” agreed that clearer instructions would have prevented the problem and spoiled the story.
The next retelling of “The Tree Climber Asked The Park Ranger To Look Away” included witnesses, receipts, and an unnecessary diagram. None of them improved the logic, although the diagram received its own round of laughter.
The Gourmet Reporter Discovered The Tribe Preferred Vegetables
A food reporter entered a remote village expecting to discover a legendary menu. He became alarmed when villagers tied him to a chair beside a cooking fire.
“Please do not cook me,” he begged. “I am a gourmet reporter.”
The village chef laughed. “We are not cooking you. The chair keeps visitors from stealing recipes.”
They served him a remarkable vegetable stew.
The reporter asked for the secret ingredient.
The chef tightened the knot. “Exactly why the chair is necessary.”
He received the recipe only after promising to credit the village and return the spoon.
The Veterinary Bill Included A Labrador Test And A Cat Scan
A fellow takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the fellow a $250 bill. `This must be a
mistake,` the fellow says. `I’ve been here only 20 minutes!` `No mistake,` the doctor says. `It’s $100 for the lab
test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.`
The New Nightdress Still Had The Price Tag Attached
A wife bought a new nightdress and modeled it for her husband. He praised the color, style, and elegant fabric.
She smiled until he noticed a large price tag hanging from the back.
“It says one hundred dollars,” he said.
“That is not a price,” she replied. “It is a reminder of how much you spent on fishing equipment.”
He looked again. The tag also said “final sale.”
He praised the nightdress a second time with considerably greater enthusiasm.
A priest and a nun became stranded in a mountain cabin during a snowstorm. The cabin contained one bed and one blanket.
The priest offered the bed to the nun and slept on the floor. After midnight she said she was cold, so he found another blanket.
An hour later she called again.
“Perhaps we should behave like an old married couple,” she suggested.
“Excellent,” the priest replied. “Get up and find your own blanket.”
The nun laughed, shared the second blanket, and promised to check the weather forecast before the next mission.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Priest And Nun Shared A Snowbound Cabin” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The next retelling of “The Priest And Nun Shared A Snowbound Cabin” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Priest And Nun Shared A Snowbound Cabin.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The Doctors Explained Why Herbal Smoke Was Still Smoke
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a fellow with lung disease. They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.
“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?” Dr Jenkins sighed.
“Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden – if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die.
Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!” The fellow seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways,
Dr Smith inquired, “What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?” “A water lily.”
The Clinic Guarantee Cost The Lawyer Three Visits
A doctor opened a clinic promising treatment for twenty dollars and a hundred-dollar refund if unsuccessful. A lawyer tried to exploit the offer.
He claimed to have lost his sense of taste. The doctor used sour lemon tonic, and the lawyer identified it immediately.
He returned claiming memory loss. The doctor requested the same tonic, and the lawyer protested before tasting it.
On the third visit he claimed poor eyesight. The doctor offered a ten-dollar note as a refund.
“That is not one hundred,” said the lawyer.
“Your eyesight is cured. Twenty dollars, please.”
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Clinic Guarantee Cost The Lawyer Three Visits” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The next retelling of “The Clinic Guarantee Cost The Lawyer Three Visits” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Clinic Guarantee Cost The Lawyer Three Visits.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The Pilot’s Color-Coded Romance Became A Painting Lesson
A pilot attempted romance by using colored scarves as signals. Red meant a kiss, green meant dinner, and blue meant dancing.
His partner mixed the scarves while decorating the room.
The pilot arrived, saw every color at once, and attempted all three plans simultaneously.
Dinner spilled, the music stopped, and the kiss landed on a lampshade.
They abandoned aviation signals and wrote an ordinary schedule.
The scarves became wall decorations, which was the only maneuver completed without turbulence.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Pilot’s Color-Coded Romance Became A Painting Lesson” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The next retelling of “The Pilot’s Color-Coded Romance Became A Painting Lesson” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Pilot’s Color-Coded Romance Became A Painting Lesson.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The witnesses later reconstructed “The Pilot’s Color-Coded Romance Became A Painting Lesson” from the beginning. Every fact survived, but the explanation became less believable each time it was repeated.
The incident became known as “The Pilot’s Color-Coded Romance Became A Painting Lesson.” Clearer instructions might have prevented it, although everyone agreed that clear instructions would also have removed the best joke.
The Customer Asked For The Strictest Personal Trainer
A customer visited a strict personal trainer, placed money on the desk, and announced, “I have been bad. I need punishment.”
The trainer assigned squats, stairs, and a long session with a rowing machine.
After ten minutes the customer begged for mercy.
“You requested punishment,” the trainer reminded him.
“I meant I ate cake.”
“Then row until the cake becomes a distant memory.”
The customer left exhausted and decided guilt was cheaper when handled with a smaller dessert.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Customer Asked For The Strictest Personal Trainer” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The Golden Bar Had One Ordinary Dog
A guy comes home completely drunk after visiting the Golden Saloon A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the heck have you
been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s received huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the
urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden
Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” the bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do,” he replies. “Do you have golden floors?” the wife asks.
“Most certainly do,” he assures her. “What about golden urinals?” she queried skeptically. There’s a long pause, then the lady hears the bartender yelling,… “Hey, Duke, I think I received a lead
on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
The Boy’s Wagon Lost Every Wheel One At A Time
A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy
says: “I’ll be darned.” A local pastor heard him and remarked: You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls
off say: ‘Praise the Lord.'” So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill.
The young boy says: “Praise the Lord.” The wheel stops rolling, turns around, roIIs back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon.
The young boy being extremely surprised by this exclaims: “I’ll be darned!”
The Archaeologist’s Mummy Had A Modern Name Tag
An archaeologist discovered a mummy in a desert casket and contacted a museum. Experts arrived and confidently announced a famous ancient identity.
The archaeologist asked how they knew so quickly.
One expert pointed to a plastic wristband beneath the wrapping.
It read, “Museum Prop Department, Return After Exhibition.”
The supposed ancient discovery had been left behind by a film crew.
The archaeologist still published a paper, but the title became “Modern Litter With Excellent Historical Packaging.”
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Archaeologist’s Mummy Had A Modern Name Tag” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
A dog beneath a café table repeatedly licked something hidden near its paws. A customer assumed the worst and offered to perform the same trick for a bet.
The owner lifted the tablecloth. The dog was licking peanut butter from a rubber toy.
The customer withdrew the offer.
“Why?” asked the owner.
“Because the dog has already won, and I do not compete for used toys.”
The dog carried the toy away before negotiations could reopen.
The Student Gave The Teacher An Unexpected Farm Answer
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you? Kids: Meat!
Teacher: extremely good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
Ray Answered Two Martial-Arts Lessons With Hardware
A large fellow entered a pub and demonstrated a dramatic karate move that sent Ray’s hat spinning from the stool. “That technique came from Korea,” he announced proudly.
Minutes later, he used a kung-fu motion to flick Ray’s newspaper across the room. “That one came from China.”
Ray quietly collected his hat and paper and left. An hour later he returned carrying a brand-new shovel. He placed it behind the show-off, tapped the floor loudly, and startled him straight off his stool.
Ray handed the shovel to the bartender. “When he asks what style that was, tell him it came from the hardware store in Houston.”
The bartender agreed that hardware had finally won the international demonstration.
One final question produced another detailed answer. By then, everyone involved in “Ray Answered Two Martial-Arts Lessons With Hardware” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer guiding the result.
The Parents Explained Two Different Family Histories
A little girl inquired her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”
Two days later the girl inquired her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and remarked, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad remarked they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is extremely simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
The Family Cups Required Increasingly Detailed Labels
A boy visiting his girlfriend’s home noticed a row of cups labeled with incomplete words. Her mother explained that each family member had a special cup and that the labels helped her remember their uses.
One marked “HIC” was the hiccup cup. Another marked “BREA” was used during breakfast.
“Does your husband have one?” the boy asked.
“Certainly.” She pointed to the largest cup, labeled “ASKHIMSELF.”
“Why does it say that?”
“Because every time he asks where his cup is, that is what the rest of us tell him.”
One final question produced another detailed answer. By then, everyone involved in “The Family Cups Required Increasingly Detailed Labels” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer guiding the result.
The next account of “The Family Cups Required Increasingly Detailed Labels” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it earned nearly as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Family Cups Required Increasingly Detailed Labels.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it even funnier.
